Deep Joy | How to Love Yourself When You Don't Know How

Have you ever met somebody who just seemed to overflow with joy? Like they had this deep, enduring contentedness that they carried with them wherever they went. This type of person knows who they are, and they are proud of that person. Not in an arrogant way, instead their light seemed to illuminate the people around them.

The secret to this person is they have high self-esteem and they are confident in who they are. So how can we become this person or at least begin the journey to having greater self-worth?

Below are the three steps to raise your self-worth that will help you stop hating yourself, and begin to increase your self-esteem:

1- Give grace to your past self

Mistakes are part of the human experience. It doesn’t matter how much you achieve, what skills you learn or who you know, sooner or later you are going to mess up. Being too critical of yourself is a sure path to low self-esteem and misery. Therefore it’s important to have grace for the person you were when you made that mistake which is still weighing on you.

It can be helpful to remember this when you’re feeling particularly angry at yourself:

“I can only do what I can, with what I have, with what I know at the time.”

That’s the highest standard you can hold to your past self. Don’t let yourself hold your past self to the bar you hold yourself now, with your current skills and experience. Instead, be thankful you learned from your mistakes. 

Think of a parent whose two-year-old spills the cereal bowl in their highchair, does the parent flip out and forever call into question their child’s character and competency? Of course not! A good parent knows their kid just needs some more experience in the world. We all are babies in some areas of our lives. It’s okay to be totally overwhelmed when you’re doing something new, that doesn’t make you worth less. It just means you had the bravery to step outside your comfort zone.

2- Be the biggest champion of your journey

Maybe you don’t have a biography written about your life yet, but if you did, what chapter would you be in right now? The way you view your current situation is key to how you view yourself. If you think that this is your last chapter, and the sum of your life is only what you’ve accomplished so far, then it will be very hard to have high self-esteem.

You must remember your journey is your own, and to celebrate whatever progress looks like in the stage you’re in! Don’t compare your progress to what progress looks like in someone else’s life. That just leads to jealousy of those who have more or looking down on those who have accomplished less than you.

True, deep joy comes from staying in your lane. Like an Olympian in a 400-meter race, don’t look to the left or right, don’t worry about what others are doing, just focus on YOUR race. If you’re going to compare, compare yourself to who you were a year ago, or 5 years ago. You have learned and grown so much in that time; you should be proud!

Recognize you have natural strengths and weakness which will mean your path will be different from everyone else. Be aware of your strengths and be comfortable with what they are. Remember it takes someone out there a whole day to do what you can in half an hour.

Be the biggest champion of your own journey, and don’t worry about anyone else’s.

3- Contribute to others by serving

Helping someone else to have a better life creates a unique sense of meaning and self-worth that no other act can create. That feeling like you matter to another person leads to a positive view of self.

Before you do anything new, take a moment to integrate the positive impact you’re already having on the world into your identity. Give yourself some credit for what you’ve done to help others. You could probably think of 100+ little and big things you do a day to make this world a better place. Now you just have to own them! Emotionally take ownership of the good you’re doing right now.

Other acts to consider doing are volunteering or donating to non-profits. When you, make sure you FEEL the joy of giving. Let your acts of service inform your view of yourself, so you can start to look at yourself in a more positive light.

 A mentor of mine once told me “Allow the reality that you’ve been born for an awesome reason to penetrate your heart.” That’s true for you! You’re on this earth for a reason – to spread joy, hope, and to serve in a meaningful way.

One last thing… If you hate yourself or are thinking about harming yourself, please reach out to a professional and get some help. Nobody deserves to be abused or feel horrible all the time. There’s no shame in calling 911 to get the help you need.

I hope through utilizing the steps above and some perseverance on your part, you can improve your self-esteem. Deep joy comes from first loving who you are now and having grace for who you were. Only once we have a solid foundation of self-respect can we begin to build our lives towards the dreams we have for the future.

Best,

Joey